1. Wear comfortable shoes. I know you want to wear the sexiest ones you own but only if you’re getting dropped off at the front door of the restaurant and not having to park and walk. A client wore her killer heels and they nearly killed her when she had blocks to walk with a new date. Ouch!

2. Wear a smaller handbag than what you’re used to. The restaurants are packed and you don’t want your big work bag to knock someone off their chair as you squeeze by their table. I was that person one Valentine’s Day that nearly got injured!

3. You don’t HAVE to wear red-red to stay true to Valentine’s Day. While still being in the romantic theme, you can choose shades of pink, rose, merlot, even red-violet. Not all shades of red are equally attractive on everybody. Wear whatever flatters you!

4. Eat something before you leave for dinner. A growling stomach isn’t your best feature! Restaurants are notoriously packed on Valentine’s Day and long waits are not unusual even with your reservation. Stay relaxed and calm with some food in your belly.

5. If you have to wear the sexy bra, be sure you’re wearing the loose tunic top.

6. If you’re wearing the tight top, be sure you’re wearing a t-shirt bra with no surface lace.

7. This is a great time to wear something you know your partner likes–his or her favorite pair of jeans on you, a favorite dress or sweater. It’s nice to think of the “other” on this special day.

8. Be comfortable in whatever you decide to wear. There’s a lot of pressure on this day and it’s not the time to wear something that is a size smaller than you should be wearing–which will hold your attention more than the sweetheart across the table from you. (“Ouch, this waistband is digging into my stomach!!”) This is for men and women. Guys, don’t pull out the nicer slacks and find they’re too small and wear them anyway.

9. If you’re a conservative dresser by nature, make what’s under your clothes a surprise!

10. Schedule an appointment for an updo, a mani/pedi or a facial to pamper yourself whether you’re going on a date or not!

11. Buy yourself a gift that would otherwise be bought by a “boyfriend or husband” if you’re not connected with someone. A colleague of mine does this and she’s acquired some great jewelry honoring herself this way!

I called Lois this morning. She’s a woman I’ve known my whole life. She’s a fabulous gardener, a wonderful cook, a humble woman with a soft sense of humor and a farmer’s wife in rural North Dakota. That farmer, her husband, passed away on Sunday. She said, “You know, Brenda, he was born in the same house he died in. And he was named after the doctor who attended the birth.” Which was Clinton. Even my folks didn’t know how he got his name. He was always called Kinky, for the kinky hair he had as a child.

My dad turns 84 tomorrow, the day of the funeral of his friend and classmate. Our farms were only about 3 miles from each other. Dad and Kinky had gone to school together and been friends their whole life. Lois I and talked about lots of things this morning. She spoke tearfully about the letter she’d received yesterday from Mom. “She knows how to put words together . . . that letter will have a very special place, always,” she told me.

I so remember driving to their farm, turning off one dirt road onto another and then into their driveway where you were met by her splendid and grand flower gardens. As a child, I couldn’t wait to walk through her gardens admiring closely all the colors, shapes, and the magic of it all.

When my first book came out, my publishers asked me where I wanted to go first to start my book tour. I said, “Fargo!” And they complied. I flew to Fargo on April 19th, 2000 and they were in the middle of a blizzard. Roads were closed, icy conditions made driving dangerous, yet Lois and a few other ladies from that farm area drove 1 1/2 hours to Barnes and Noble that night in Fargo for my booksigning for 40 Over 40. “We wouldn’t have missed it for anything!” they said.

That’s the kind of people they are in that small community in southeast North Dakota. I know the church will be standing room only tomorrow. In fact, it’s supposed to be -10 degrees and I worry about where they’ll put the overflow. I can see the familiar faces in the pews especially the women I remember from Ladies Aid meetings in the church basement. They were always so beautifully dressed and accessorized, especially my mother and Lois, the youngest mothers in the church group.

When I was back there for Lois’ 80th birthday party, I had a great conversation with her sister-in-law, Ruthie, who is in her late 80s. Ruthie, one of the most beautiful women I know, told me a story I’d never heard before about how she worked in San Francisco for a year or two right down by Union Square where I take my clients shopping today. That’s where she was the day WWII ended. “People just ran into the streets kissing everybody. We were so happy!” she said. She drew in close to me and nearly whispered, “I don’t tell people this around here, but San Francisco really is the most beautiful city. You’re in the right spot.” I felt like we shared a secret.

I talked to Mom and Dad before they left today for the funeral. I told them about my conversation with Lois. “Well, you’re really her daughter too,” Dad said. Lois had three sons and she always wanted me to marry one of them. That didn’t work out, but I know I’ve been shaped by her and others from that community. I might be in the right spot, here in the Bay Area, but there’s a part of me that will be there always.

Are you catching some of the top stories of the decade on newscasts? One of the clips I saw last night was of Oprah making her announcement that there’d be no more show after next year.

I guess, if I think about it, Oprah plays a big role in one of my top personal stories of the decade. My first book was about to come out, 40 Over 40; 40 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Getting Dressed. I was in a meeting with my publisher who had hired an independent PR person to create a book campaign. This PR person had told the publisher that 40 Over 40 would be a PR problem, not a PR opportunity. Why? Because, as she reported, “No one in the media is interested in women over 40. They don’t associate women over 40 with anything glamorous or sexy.” This was the spring of 2000.

I was flabbergasted. I could not believe that “the media” could be so willing to write off women over 40. We ARE fabulous! We ARE sexy! We DO matter in the world. How WRONG could they be?

Well, someone got it wrong. In August that year, 40 Over 40 was all over the front page of the Lifestyle section of the Chicago Tribune. It was all about the “M” word (matronly) and how not to look matronly (Chapter 2). I thought to myself, “Hmm. Chicago. Oprah is in Chicago. Maybe someone on her show will see this article.” Which is exactly what happened. Rita Thompson, a field producer, saw the article and pitched an idea for the show.

Two weeks later, I got the call. Well, I got the message. Here’s what happened. My youngest daughter, Caitlin, was a hip hop dancer, choreographer, and head of the hip hop troupe at her high school. She had worked super hard all week getting the troupe ready for that Friday’s performance at the pep rally. She’d been fretting about it all week–lots of pressure. I had changed my client’s appointment so I could be there to watch her and show her my support.

So when my business phone rang that Friday morning, I didn’t answer it. There was no way I was going to get hung up on a phone call and miss the performance. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message: “This is the Oprah Winfrey Show calling and we’d like to talk to you about being on the show.”

I saved the message and called my folks. “The Oprah Winfrey show just called!” I half screamed and half cried into the phone to my dad who answered. “What should I do?” I said. Dad said, “Call them back.” “I can’t,” I told him. “I’m going to Caitlin’s pep rally.”

On the way to the pep rally, I called my publisher. “The Oprah Winfrey Show called!” I said. “We know,” she answered. “We gave them your phone number. What did they say?” “Well, I don’t know. I haven’t talked to them,” I said. I explained to an astonished publisher that I couldn’t speak to them because I was going to my daughter’s pep rally. She wasn’t too pleased.

I got to the pep rally, watched the performance with great pride and gathered with Caitlin and her friends when the rally was over to talk about how terrific they’d been. Then I said to Caitlin, “Something really interested happened. The Oprah Winfrey Show called.” “What did they say?” Caitlin asked. “Well, nothing yet. I haven’t talked to them. I came to see you first.”

Caitlin’s friend’s mouth dropped. Christina turned from me to Caitlin, her eyes huge, and said, ”Oh . . . my . . . God . . . Caitlin. You’re . . . more important . . . than . . . Oprah!”

She was right, of course. Caitlin was and is more important than Oprah. Being on the Oprah Winfrey Show is professionally probably the best PR gig an author could hope for and I’m thrilled that it happened to me. But having my daughter, through the eyes of her peers, know just how important she was to me . . . well, that’s as they say, priceless.

Caitlin, getting ready to join me in London last year

Lady in white

My eldest daughter, Erin, has moved to Chicago and I spent several days with her this last week walking around the snowy neighborhoods in my puffy coat (gotta love puffy coats!!!) going from one adventure to the next.

Cool shirt in tile

We managed to fit in most of my very favorite activities and then some! I wasn’t expecting to hear a bagpipe group singing in a corner bar but we knew one of the performers and jumped at the chance. So we heard live music, took a cooking class, spent a lot of time at Second City in Old Town as it was their 50th anniversary, saw a play, and shopped together in neighborhood boutiques.

Second City highlights–I’ve never seen so many “stars” in one place. Steve Carell (boy is he short!), Fred Willard, George Wendt, Rachel Dratch, Bonnie Hunt, Eugene Levy, Tim Meadows, Richard Klein and then lots of people you would recognize but not necessarily know their names from TV shows like 30 Rock, the Office, Scrubs, Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’d vote Tim Meadows and Fred Willard as the best dressed folks we ran into. They took their style to the highest level. Wish I had pictures to share but I am a shy fan. I love seeing these people but am too shy to get in their faces and say, “Can I have a picture with you?”

Shopping Highlights–As a personal shopper for people, I shop with a mission. I’m helping my clients get the wardrobes they need in order to be able to completely forget about their clothes and just get out in the world and shine. My shopping experience in Chicago was both personal and delightful. Erin and I popped in and out of neighborhood boutiques so there was a lot of “just looking” and an appreciation for how unique stores can be in a large metro area. I didn’t step into a single large chain. If you get to Chicago, I highly recommend Gem, a jewelry boutique, p.45, clothing and great jewelry, and Stitch, great accessories. As a result of this relaxed day of shopping, I have come home with some accessories that I love and will always remind me of the good times we shared.

So, what are these pictures? Erin and I took a cooking class at the Chopping Block where we made great chili (three kinds) and cornbread–which I plan to make today! When we were leaving the store, I stepped out and right across the way was this tile store and these were two of the mannequins just inside. They were amazing! The white gown and the man’s shirt are completely made out of tiles. What a creative way to advertise tile!

We also caught sight of a couple of “What Was She Thinking???!!!!” people, but I’ll save that for the next Tips & Teasers newsletter. Have a great Saturday everybody!!!

kitty cat sweater on Jim

While shoppers took advantage of Black Friday sales, our Swedish friends, Maggan and Anders, my twin brother Brent, Russ and I headed to Napa Valley. On our way to St. Helena, we stopped off in Yountville to check out Bardessono, what my friend Maggan aptly called an organic luxury hotel and spa. We were oohing and ahhing at the gorgeous art and beauty visible from the lobby when through the front door came what seemed like an endless stream of adults in knit holiday sweaters, sweeping past us like a herd of cats. “Well, that was curious,” I thought.

We continued poking around the hotel when we ran into them again, all huddled around a long table in the bar. I couldn’t resist approaching them. How dangerous could it be? “Alright, what’s going on with the holiday sweaters?” I asked. Jim, pictured here on the left with his sweater that has kitties all over it, told me it was a long-held tradition–starting in 2008–that the day after Thanksgiving, their party goes wine tasting. “But anybody can go wine tasting the day after Thanksgiving,” Jim said. To make it more interesting, they decided everyone needed to wear a knit holiday sweater.

Now, I’ve had long-held beliefs about holiday themed-sweaters and in my long career as an image consultant, I have come across drawers of them from time to time while working in a client’s closet. My rule of thumb is that the only person who should be wearing them are first grade teachers on the last day of school before the holiday break. When one woman in the sweater party told me that it was easy to find them because her mother had a drawer of them, I immediately knew what that drawer looked like. But for others, it had taken a trip to Goodwill to find the perfect sweater to wear on this Black Kitty Cat Friday.

By the time we were loaded back into the car, I had a change of fashion heart. Trends change from season to season. My mind can change too! Next year when our friends come from Stockholm, Sweden to enjoy their 8th annual Thanksgiving celebration with us, I think we should all head out for our Black Friday adventure in knit holiday sweaters. As this delightful group taught me, the trick is to do it as a group. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one by myself, but as a group, nothing could be more charming. Besides, it’s just for one day, right? Promise me it’s just for one day!

You sweater people rock! But watch out for us next year. You may have some competition!

Brenda crashes the sweater party

It happened to me . . . at the age of 57 . . . my Diane Keaton moment. The good thing is I was only in front of a full-length mirror in Nordstrom and not in front of the Oprah audience and the billions of viewers watching at home on their TVs. I can still see it: actress Diane Keaton comes out to share a chair next to Oprah (many years ago, but that memorable!) and she’s in a black turtleneck, a full skirt and wide belt, and of course, her gloves. She’s looking fab except for one thing. The turtleneck is clutching her neck in a most unflattering way. Any time she moves, the loose skin above the super sleek, super tight fabric of the turtleneck crinkles and wrinkles like crazy! Her neck has the texture of a piece of paper that’s been wadded up tight, thrown away in the trash and then pulled out and tried to make smooth. No, actually, much worse than that. I cringe. I imagine her people backstage, watching on the monitors saying, “Oh my gosh! How did we let that happen?!!!??” It made her look 10 years older than she was.

I was reading the NY Times Style section yesterday and there’s a big article about Eileen Fisher trying to re-brand herself from frumpy to fashionable by listening to younger people and trying some fitted pieces in her line as well as adding leggings (must you?). Anyway, just had to report that this past summer, I was shopping with a client who has dropped about 4 sizes due to a brain aneurism (don’t try this at home, folks . . . and she’s doing just great!!!!). With the weight loss, there were more fashion possibilities open to her. She’s never worn a skinny jean but I found one the sale rack as we were shopping for new clothes that fit her new body. She tried it on, it looked great, and the label said . . . Eileen Fisher! Quite surprising as I, too, only think of that brand as a loose, flowy, elastic-waisted product. The pants were so fabulous that a week later, I insisted we try and find another pair. She was thrilled when we did and is still wearing them into the fall. They’re pretty fine, not like a coarse jean, so they won’t work in December. But I’ll be back to see if she followed through in her fall line and provided more choices. So three cheers for Eileen Fisher!

Okay, yesterday I was shopping with a client and at the register, both she and the salesperson asked me for my opinion on wearing white after Labor Day. Now, remember, I live in the San Francisco Bay Area which is different longitude and latitude than Los Angeles, Palm Beach and Dallas. (The further south you go, the more white you see.) Okay, so here’s my rule of thumb: It’s okay to wear white until the light changes. Yes, there’s a day, somewhere in September or so when you walk out the door and something feels different. It could still be warm outside but the sky doesn’t have that “summer” look anymore. There’s been a shift. Oh boy, this is harder to explain in writing than I thought! I need to talk to an astronomer who might be able to back me up on this.

I’m loving all the “travel wardrobe” comments and now I just have to jump off to the subject of wardrobe malfunctions and other mishaps. Helen’s story about the spilled latte (yikes!!!) and having to make an attempt to hide the incident on her travel outfit (good save, Helen) made me stop breathing for a minute. I hate when that happens!

So, the suitcases have been unpacked and here’s the packing verdict. I so did not need the “casual chic” dinner outfits I’d had planned to wear. After most days of hiking straight up the Canadian Rockies, dinners were mostly casual. But the poncho I almost didn’t put in (and am wearing in this wonderful ball room of the Banff Spring Hotel) was such the go-to piece as it was pretty cold. The summer pants I thought I’d wear every day (and kick myself for packing any others) were ones I never wore. Too thin. The extra pair of tennis shoes I brought in case my others got drenched and didn’t dry out in time for the next hike were also not touched. Neither were the dressy heels that were going to make the casual resort chic outfits look more spiffy.